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But Why Won't I Eat? [LJ Idol, week 5]
Apr. 16th, 2022 09:47 amI wish "I'm hungry" and "I want to eat" were the same thing. They should be, right? Biologically-speaking? It doesn't seem evolutionarily beneficial to want to eat when you're not hungry or visa versa. Then again, it's probably all psychological, and we know our brains are kind of broken. Some more than others.
Take my brain, for example. Depressed, anxious, ADHD. All kinds of chemistry out of whack, causing disordered thoughts and feelings, making the whole world feel like it's attacking me on all fronts. And food has been an adversary since day one. Lactose intolerance made me wary of food. Neurodivergence made a lot of textures and flavors hard to tolerate. Anxiety whispered that people would judge me for my reactions when trying new foods. Depression told me I couldn't do anything about it.
There's medicine for broken brains, though! Things that quiet anxiety's whispers and depression's lies. Things that quiet my own thoughts (in a helpful way). It's amazing, A+, do recommend. My life improved drastically when I got on meds that work! First for the depression and anxiety, and then a few years ago, for the ADHD. Diagnoses make life make sense; meds (and therapy!) make life easier to live.
Except… meds have side effects.
Fall of 2019 was a stressful time for me. The project I'd been working on for 12 years was ending. I was transitioning to a new team, with a lead who was A Lot and then who left in the middle of prepping for a major review that now I had to lead. You know, just a little bit of stress. And… I kind of stopped eating? Not consciously! Not because I wanted to stop eating! But because I stopped wanting to eat. I'd be hungry, but didn't want to eat, so I didn't. Stress, I figured. It would change when things eased up.
But the brain is still a bitch, meds are weird, and a pandemic started.
I lost 20 pounds in six months. Because I didn't want to eat, even when I was hungry.
I didn't know why. I wondered if there was something physically wrong -- I had trouble swallowing sometimes, so maybe that was it? My parents independently suggested it might be psychosomatic, which is just… not helpful. (Also probably was right, but still.) And all the tests I had done came up clean. I was at a loss.
Hey, guess what "I don't want to eat" can be stated as? "I have no appetite." It took me two years to clue into that. And when I did, I mentioned it to a doctor, who was like, "Yeah, that's the stimulant."
For fx sake.
I need the stimulant -- we tried something else that Did Not Work -- so I'm still on it. But now I know what's going on, so I've adjusted to it! I don't beat myself up for skipping meals -- I just replace them with a protein drink and that's good! It turns out that eating something is better than eating nothing, despite what my stupid brain had told me during the whole mess. ("I shouldn't eat crap, I should eat something healthy, but I don't have anything healthy and I wouldn't eat it if I did, so I should just not eat anything." Thanks brain.) My weight has settled at a good place, and my brain is happier.
So I guess the point is, when "I'm hungry" and "I want to eat" are at odds, we have to engage the thinking parts of our brains and take control of the situation. Whether that means eating so you don't lose a bunch of weight, or not mindlessly eating, it's all the same. We've evolved to be able to think about these things and do something about them, at least, and that's not nothing.
Take my brain, for example. Depressed, anxious, ADHD. All kinds of chemistry out of whack, causing disordered thoughts and feelings, making the whole world feel like it's attacking me on all fronts. And food has been an adversary since day one. Lactose intolerance made me wary of food. Neurodivergence made a lot of textures and flavors hard to tolerate. Anxiety whispered that people would judge me for my reactions when trying new foods. Depression told me I couldn't do anything about it.
There's medicine for broken brains, though! Things that quiet anxiety's whispers and depression's lies. Things that quiet my own thoughts (in a helpful way). It's amazing, A+, do recommend. My life improved drastically when I got on meds that work! First for the depression and anxiety, and then a few years ago, for the ADHD. Diagnoses make life make sense; meds (and therapy!) make life easier to live.
Except… meds have side effects.
Fall of 2019 was a stressful time for me. The project I'd been working on for 12 years was ending. I was transitioning to a new team, with a lead who was A Lot and then who left in the middle of prepping for a major review that now I had to lead. You know, just a little bit of stress. And… I kind of stopped eating? Not consciously! Not because I wanted to stop eating! But because I stopped wanting to eat. I'd be hungry, but didn't want to eat, so I didn't. Stress, I figured. It would change when things eased up.
But the brain is still a bitch, meds are weird, and a pandemic started.
I lost 20 pounds in six months. Because I didn't want to eat, even when I was hungry.
I didn't know why. I wondered if there was something physically wrong -- I had trouble swallowing sometimes, so maybe that was it? My parents independently suggested it might be psychosomatic, which is just… not helpful. (Also probably was right, but still.) And all the tests I had done came up clean. I was at a loss.
Hey, guess what "I don't want to eat" can be stated as? "I have no appetite." It took me two years to clue into that. And when I did, I mentioned it to a doctor, who was like, "Yeah, that's the stimulant."
For fx sake.
I need the stimulant -- we tried something else that Did Not Work -- so I'm still on it. But now I know what's going on, so I've adjusted to it! I don't beat myself up for skipping meals -- I just replace them with a protein drink and that's good! It turns out that eating something is better than eating nothing, despite what my stupid brain had told me during the whole mess. ("I shouldn't eat crap, I should eat something healthy, but I don't have anything healthy and I wouldn't eat it if I did, so I should just not eat anything." Thanks brain.) My weight has settled at a good place, and my brain is happier.
So I guess the point is, when "I'm hungry" and "I want to eat" are at odds, we have to engage the thinking parts of our brains and take control of the situation. Whether that means eating so you don't lose a bunch of weight, or not mindlessly eating, it's all the same. We've evolved to be able to think about these things and do something about them, at least, and that's not nothing.
